Every Time I Would Bring Up An Issue He Would Get Defensive Leading to Arguments: Here Is What Stopped That

We had been stuck in the same arguments for a long time. Every time I would try to bring it up in a different way and to be careful with the words I used, but we would still end up in a fight. 

Until one day as we were stuck in the same pattern something changed within me. This time I said what I said, but as he responded the way that he did my inner voice said, "He is hearing he isn't enough." 

I said this out loud.  I said, "Are you feeling like you're not enough right now?"

He said, "Yes. I am a man. We are always feeling like we're not enough and when you keep bringing these things up it keeps reminding me that I will never be enough. No matter what I do. I am not enough."

That stung. I wasn't trying to hurt him. I wasn't trying to add to his pain. 

We cannot tip toe around people or know what will rub them the wrong way, but understanding their internal battle helps in bringing in more empathy into the dynamic. 

It brought more awareness around how I could connect more with him prior to having these conversations so I wouldn't poke that wound so hard. 

It had nothing to do with tools or phrases I learned to say so I won't share that here. 

Something inside of me changed when I understood how deeply he felt that he wasn't enough. 

That brought in the empathy for me. In this exercise you will experience the same. 

Take a moment when you're alone and close your eyes. Replay some of the last arguments you've had with your husband. Really feel the argument. Was it led with empathy? Don't judge yourself too harshly. It's hard to lead with empathy when we are frustrated, but bring that awareness. 

As you see the argument unfold notice your body language, notice how you feel inside. Notice the energy you're projecting forward. It isn't about what you're saying. It's about the energy you're bringing in to the conversation. 

Allow what ever insight comes to come forward and jot them down in a journal. 

Please take the time to do the exercise. Don't just read it. 

This is the first step to beginning to see where your blind spots were and how you can change the energy in the relationship. 

Within the energy there are energetic factors causing you to poke at his "I am not enough"  wound and there are energetic factors that are maintaining this wound in your husband.  Both are at play and locking in this cycle in your relationship. 

Both need to be addressed to have this issue resolved for good.  I help my clients with the energetics around their relationships. If you would like to understand how I can help you with this, click on the button below to book a FREE consultation. There is no pressure during the call.  You tell me what your problem is and I will assess if I am able to help you. 

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This blog post is part of a series. Here is the rest of the series:

• We Were Fighting Daily. I Was Married And Yet Never Felt So Lonely: This Is What I Did To Change That
• ​Shame is Ruining Your Marriage: Here is How to Stop It
• ​The Moment I Realized the Impact Being an Empath Was Having on My Marriage, My Marriage Began to Transform
  
• ​Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Disclaimer: A Joyful Life Lived, LLC is providing this training and any related materials (blog posts, newsletters, and other communications) for educational purposes only. This is not a replacement for medical treatment. I am not a doctor or a therapist. I am sharing what I have learned along my own journey. If you are struggling with any mental, emotional, or physical illness please seek the counsel of your primary care provider.