Shame is Ruining Your Marriage: Here Is How To Stop It

It isn't obvious, but shame is the number one killer of marriages. 

This is because shame keeps you stuck.

When you feel ashamed you don't feel like you're able to ask for help. 

You're too ashamed to tell anyone about what's going wrong in your marriage.

You can't bear the thought of anyone knowing the real you.

You might even be too ashamed to examine the role you're playing in your marriage. 

That is a sure fire way to kill a marriage. 

So you have to start to dismantle the shame by realizing that the issues you're facing are quite normal. 

You're not alone. 

All couples go through hardships in their marriage. 

The difference isn't whether a couple is perfect or not, but how they work toward resolving their issues. 

But shame is a little more covert in how it kills a marriage than just the above. 

Shame also kills a marriage because while you feel ashamed you cannot perceive things clearly. 

So when your husband tells you that "it isn't what you say, but how you say it." 

If you have a good sense of self worth you can hear that and be okay and work with your husband to make changes. 

If your sense of self worth is low and it's making you feel ashamed you will instantly get defensive because if what he is saying is true then that means you are a terrible person.

It isn't your fault that you feel ashamed and it isn't his fault either. 

This shame is coming from a different source usually your childhood. 

And shame is a tricky thing to deal with because it isn't an emotion. Anger, joy, sadness, and despair are all examples of emotions, but shame isn't an emotion. 

It isn't giving you any valuable information. All of the other emotions let you know something you need to know. 

Shame is just a lie that doesn't belong in your life and as such it cannot be processed like emotions can. It needs to be energetically released. That's the only way to get rid of it once and for all. 

So how do you start seeing a change now? Notice that shame is working in your marriage. Bring awareness to how it's making you feel and how it's making you respond to your partner. 

Once you have this awareness you can choose to respond differently. 

Recollect your last fight that was centered around something you were doing. Recall the tension and stress that came up into your body. 

Notice how you responded. How can you respond differently now that you know that you responded the way you did due to shame?

This blog post is part of a series. If you would like to read more about the big issues I see that are keeping couples fighting here are the links to those posts:

• We Were Fighting Daily. I Was Married And Yet Never Felt So Lonely: This Is What I Did To Change That
• Every Time I Would Bring Up An Issue He Would Get Defensive Leading to Arguments: Here Is What Stopped That
  
• ​The Moment I Realized the Impact Being an Empath Was Having on My Marriage, My Marriage Began to Transform
• ​Should I Stay or Should I Go?

I Am Ready To Stop The Fight Make Up Fight Cycle

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