I had been to therapy for years and had been told I was an empath, but I didn't realize what that really meant. 

It means more than you are absorbing other people's emotions, illnesses, and energy. 

It's not just an inconvenience. 

It completely destroys your life. Having this energetic exchange happen regularly in your relationships distorts your relationships. 

There is no other way around it. 

Here is how it played out in my marriage and began to make my marriage suffer. 

I remember this day vividly still. My husband and I have amazing conversations together and enjoy spending time together so we had this beautiful habit of going on trails together. 

One Saturday, we were walking a trail and I was filled with so many positive emotions.

I had been working on my trauma and was beginning to feel safe and happy when all of a sudden he reached for my hand. The second he touched my hand, a dark cloud loomed over me and I felt depressed. 

Grief and extreme pain overwhelmed me. 

The reality is that this had been happening for a long time in my life, but the stark contrast of that day is what made me realize this was occurring. Prior to that it would have been hard for me to notice because I was already depressed so if I were to feel even more depressed it just meant I was having a bad day. 

This isn't where it stopped though. I began to notice that I was waking up fatigued in the mornings. I had no energy within me. That was because I was giving my life force energy to my husband while we slept at night in bed together. 

I didn't know what to do anymore. I literally couldn't be around my husband without feeling discomfort in my own body and of course that spilled out into how we interacted with each other.

I had absorbed so much of other people's anger and other emotions that I began to genuinely feel hatred inside. I hated people and I hated my husband. 

All of this anger welled up inside of me and I would vomit verbal diarrhea on my husband daily. 

Our joyous walks turned into fighting matches. 

And he just wanted his wife back. He had no idea what was going on with me. 

Once I realized what was going on, I began to do the work that needed to be done to undo all of this and it isn't easy. 

There are no tricks to stopping this cycle. The only way to get out of it was to go through the subconscious beliefs I had that were causing me to absorb other people's energy. 

There are a few core beliefs that allow this to happen. Here they are:

1) I don't deserve love. 

2) I am not worthy of goodness. 

These beliefs energetically send out the message to the world that everyone else is more important than you are so they are able to steal your energy and due to your beliefs you also willingly subconsciously self sacrifice all the time absorbing other people's ailments, maladies, and negative emotions in exchange for your healthy energy. 

The underlying reason for this is the belief that if you do this you will finally be able to receive love. You will finally be loved. 

But unfortunately that never happens. 

So instead what happened is that I became increasingly emotionally unstable and easily triggered and as time progressed incredibly ill. 

And I felt like a complete failure at life because my relationships were a disaster, but I also couldn't function very well in life anymore due to this lack of energy. 

I was a mess and it hurt to be stuck in this mess. 

I felt that God was very unfair. I felt that God wasn't supporting me or helping me. 

It was an incredibly dark time in my life that I wouldn't wish upon anyone and I was helpless to change it only because I didn't realize how my energy was contributing to my problems. 

This post is part of a series on Getting Out Of the Fight Make Up Fight Cycle in your marriage. There were many components that were creating this issue. It is a very complex issue. Please click on the links below, if you would like to read the rest of the series. 

If these posts sound like the problem you are currently experiencing in your marriage, I can help. I have helped myself and dozens of women get out of this cycle and I can help you too.  If you're ready to receive help please click the button below to schedule a FREE consultation. In this consultation, I will assess whether I am the right person to help you with your current problem. 

It isn't obvious, but shame is the number one killer of marriages. 

This is because shame keeps you stuck.

When you feel ashamed you don't feel like you're able to ask for help. 

You're too ashamed to tell anyone about what's going wrong in your marriage.

You can't bear the thought of anyone knowing the real you.

You might even be too ashamed to examine the role you're playing in your marriage. 

That is a sure fire way to kill a marriage. 

So you have to start to dismantle the shame by realizing that the issues you're facing are quite normal. 

You're not alone. 

All couples go through hardships in their marriage. 

The difference isn't whether a couple is perfect or not, but how they work toward resolving their issues. 

But shame is a little more covert in how it kills a marriage than just the above. 

Shame also kills a marriage because while you feel ashamed you cannot perceive things clearly. 

So when your husband tells you that "it isn't what you say, but how you say it." 

If you have a good sense of self worth you can hear that and be okay and work with your husband to make changes. 

If your sense of self worth is low and it's making you feel ashamed you will instantly get defensive because if what he is saying is true then that means you are a terrible person.

It isn't your fault that you feel ashamed and it isn't his fault either. 

This shame is coming from a different source usually your childhood. 

And shame is a tricky thing to deal with because it isn't an emotion. Anger, joy, sadness, and despair are all examples of emotions, but shame isn't an emotion. 

It isn't giving you any valuable information. All of the other emotions let you know something you need to know. 

Shame is just a lie that doesn't belong in your life and as such it cannot be processed like emotions can. It needs to be energetically released. That's the only way to get rid of it once and for all. 

So how do you start seeing a change now? Notice that shame is working in your marriage. Bring awareness to how it's making you feel and how it's making you respond to your partner. 

Once you have this awareness you can choose to respond differently. 

Recollect your last fight that was centered around something you were doing. Recall the tension and stress that came up into your body. 

Notice how you responded. How can you respond differently now that you know that you responded the way you did due to shame?

We had been stuck in the same arguments for a long time. Every time I would try to bring it up in a different way and to be careful with the words I used, but we would still end up in a fight. 

Until one day as we were stuck in the same pattern something changed within me. This time I said what I said, but as he responded the way that he did my inner voice said, "He is hearing he isn't enough." 

I said this out loud.  I said, "Are you feeling like you're not enough right now?"

He said, "Yes. I am a man. We are always feeling like we're not enough and when you keep bringing these things up it keeps reminding me that I will never be enough. No matter what I do. I am not enough."

That stung. I wasn't trying to hurt him. I wasn't trying to add to his pain. 

We cannot tip toe around people or know what will rub them the wrong way, but understanding their internal battle helps in bringing in more empathy into the dynamic. 

It brought more awareness around how I could connect more with him prior to having these conversations so I wouldn't poke that wound so hard. 

It had nothing to do with tools or phrases I learned to say so I won't share that here. 

Something inside of me changed when I understood how deeply he felt that he wasn't enough. 

That brought in the empathy for me. In this exercise you will experience the same. 

Take a moment when you're alone and close your eyes. Replay some of the last arguments you've had with your husband. Really feel the argument. Was it led with empathy? Don't judge yourself too harshly. It's hard to lead with empathy when we are frustrated, but bring that awareness. 

As you see the argument unfold notice your body language, notice how you feel inside. Notice the energy you're projecting forward. It isn't about what you're saying. It's about the energy you're bringing in to the conversation. 

Allow what ever insight comes to come forward and jot them down in a journal. 

Please take the time to do the exercise. Don't just read it. 

This is the first step to beginning to see where your blind spots were and how you can change the energy in the relationship. 

Within the energy there are energetic factors causing you to poke at his "I am not enough"  wound and there are energetic factors that are maintaining this wound in your husband.  Both are at play and locking in this cycle in your relationship. 

Both need to be addressed to have this issue resolved for good.  I help my clients with the energetics around their relationships. If you would like to understand how I can help you with this, click on the button below to book a FREE consultation. There is no pressure during the call.  You tell me what your problem is and I will assess if I am able to help you. 

​Before I got married I thought I was set. I had a psychology degree under my belt, had read lots of books on relationships, and my partner and I had gone to counseling together to make sure we had discussed important topics and learned how to communicate more effectively together.  Does this sound familiar?

That was 14 years ago. I wasn't prepared at all for the reality of what was about to happen. 

Despite all of our efforts, after seven years together, we were having the worse fights we have ever had. I began to question whether it was time to divorce. 

And yet something within me new this was fixable and that there was something more to it than us, an unknown X factor. Something was playing games with us. 

If I was honest with myself, I was angry and resentful about things that didn't truly matter and that were completely fixable. 

Once I began to really reflect on it, it didn't make sense. I loved my partner and it shouldn't be this hard. 

I would use the psychology tools I had learned, but we would still argue daily. 

Eventually, it had been going on so long that I felt completely disconnected from my partner. I didn't feel inclined to hug him or show much affection anymore. 

It was nothing big that happened. It reminds me of all of the celebrities. They are always divorcing for irreconcilable differences.  

Because that's what it is. It's the small things that eat away in a marriage. 

One day, I had had enough and I was able to perceive that it wasn't me causing the inner drama, but quite a few ancestors. 

The drama would unfold, but they were not being driven by my own thoughts. My perception of everything my husband said was being altered by the ancestral energy that had been passed down to me. That energy was what was creating the constant friction. 

Everything is energy. Nothing ceases to exist. It is only transformed. Due to this, when ancestors have unprocessed trauma and emotions it stays in their body and it is passed down to their descendants until someone does something about it. 

When I began to do the ancestral healing work, everything began to change. All of a sudden, I was beginning to see my husband as my teammate again rather than my enemy. 

My husband still loved me and wanted to support me, but I hadn't given him the opportunity to. 

All of the fighting had created a huge wedge within us that drove us farther apart.

How do you connect with someone that continues to argue with you?

But when I released those energies that were stirring up the frustration and anger within me, I began to soften. 

I began to be approachable again. 

Of course, it isn't only me who had these issues. After I had begun my work, I helped my husband release some of this clutter too. 

That magnified the work. As we both released these energies from our systems, we began to feel more connected to each other. It brought a profound sense of peace and harmony to our relationship. 

This is one of the energetic components in a relationship that is often overlooked by many methodologies and it is the one that has created the biggest impact in my marriage and in the marriages of my clients. 

I know of no other work that is as vital and that makes as big an impact because we all have energies that have been passed down to us that are not helping us. 

If you honestly look at your own parents and grandparents and how they handled their relationships, it becomes very clear that you are recreating their patterns. It may be showing up slightly differently due to having more resources available to you, but underneath it all, it is those patterns creating the disharmony.

If this has peaked your interest and you would like to learn more you can book a FREE consultation call with me where we can discuss your specific problems further and assess how I can help you. 

If you are sensing that your problems are stemming from this level, I can help.  Click the button below if you would like to set up a FREE consultation to discuss how I can help you. 

Whenever you have emotions that have not been processed there are a few things that can happen. One of them is you completely shove it down and try to never ever see it again and whenever it tries to come back up you keep shoving it down. The other way people commonly handle it is by venting. They will continuously talk about the same problem over and over again in hopes that something will change when they do.

They have believed the lie that if you talk about it it will feel better. The truth is when you're talking about real pain, it doesn't get better by talking about it. In fact it often makes it worse. The wound gets bigger. You feel worse about yourself. And on top of it people start to distance  themselves from you because they don't want to hear about it anymore. 

The pain is felt in the body because it is in the body so it must be released through the body. It is well documented in traditional Chinese medicine that emotions can get stuck in the body. We may believe that because emotions can't be seen that they aren't very real. We can just will them away or ignore them. However, even though we cannot see them in the material world, they exist as energy. So no matter how much you ignore it or try to will it away, it persists. Everything around us is energy. Emotions are energy in motion. This means that they are meant to move through the body. We don't want to prevent ourselves from having emotions. They are a part of being human. We simply need to learn how to allow them to be. When they are not allowed to move through the  body they get stuck in different parts of the body causing illness. This is because energy is meant to circulate and move freely so when it gets stuck it creates a blockage which manifests in your life. You may intuitively know this. Many people say things like,  "When I was having problems with my ex husband I began to have migraines and when I divorced him the migraines left." When people share these stories they are often implying that the two are related. They know their physical bodies have very much been affected by their pain through their own experience that cannot be denied.

Whatever pain is showing up in your life is a sign that something needs to be changed. This is your body's way of communicating to you exactly what needs to be done. This is the way your body and soul help you along on your spiritual journey. It isn't a way to punish you, but a way of showing you the spiritual work that needs to be done so that you can move closer to a state of love. It is lower energies like bitterness, anger, hate, unforgiveness, grief, and jealousy that create these blockages. We intuitively know this. Even modern science tells us that anger raises blood pressure and causes migraines. Doctors tell their clients to lower their stress levels and to calm down, but they are not shown how to calm down. Anger is a real emotion and there is nothing wrong with it, it is simply that prolonged anger creates disease. So when there is a lot in your life causing you anger and you're continuously feeling angry it will eventually show up in the body to get your attention. As you remove these blocks, pure love naturally emerges and this pure energy dramatically transforms your life physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Your health increases. Your relationships blossom and your connection to the Divine is strengthened. The problem is that we as a society have not been shown how to do this. If you have been sounding like a broken record and would like to move beyond that and into a new version of yourself let's connect. 

Society has made it seem like you are the enemy if you say no. Because of that you feel extremely uncomfortable whenever something is a no for you, but the reality is not everyone is like this. 

There is a world of people who are okay with saying no and hearing no. There is a world of people who will respect your boundaries, but it can only open up to you once you start enforcing them. The people who cannot respect them will fall away and will make room for new people.

If you have been struggling with setting boundaries for a long time and it hasn't been working for you it is because people tend to talk about everything in physical terms and do not understand the real root of things, your energy. 

We are all made up of energy and everything around us is energy. Before anything can exist in the material world, it is energy first. We cannot manipulate physical things too much. A book is a book is a book. You could set the pages on fire and burn the book, but you can't inherently change the book. On the other hand energy is malleable. You can change it at will. When you transform your energy, you are essentially telling the universe what you want your life to look like. If you would like help with this click the link below and let's connect. 

I often work with clients that have read many law of attraction books and it has caused them a lot of pain. Maybe it has caused you a lot of pain? The reality is that you do not attract absolutely everything into your life. There is truth in that like attracts like, but that makes sense doesn't it? Like people like to hang out with like people. Overall people tend to prefer kindhearted, gracious, grateful, humble people over jerks. So if you start practicing the law of attraction and start practicing gratitude and those wonderful practices that are taught of course you will start seeing more good flow into your life because people love to give things to grateful people and love to be around people who appreciate them. You're making people feel good. Of course you will be given raises, build wonderful friendships, and all those wonderful things because you're just plain wonderful to be around. 

The trouble starts when you start thinking you're attracting absolutely everything into your life including your health issues and challenges. You are absolutely not attracting liars into your life. You're not attracting racism, prejudice, or any other sort of injustice. There will always be people who do these things. In regards to racism and prejudice that is extremely unfair, but there will always be people who do these things. In regards to health issues, everything does begin as energy and so there are energetic explanations for it, but you did not attract it into your life. 

It is true that some challenges happen due to lower frequencies like stress, anxiety, anger, bitterness, jealousy, grief, and more, but even when that is the case you haven't attracted it into your life. It is the natural thing that happens when in a lower state of vibration. It isn't your fault. You're not a terrible person. Unbeknownst to you it is simply how energy works. Higher vibrations result in health, longevity, and wonderful things to manifest in your life and lower vibrations cause a lot of challenges.

Please give yourself grace and compassion. You're doing the best you can with what you know. 

If you would like help in creating the life you want and attracting the things you do want into your life, let's chat.

Love,

​Sandy

When someone lies to your face it can often trigger us. We can feel a tightening in our chest or discomfort and pain in our solar plexus area. That is because when people lie to us that is outside of our control. We cannot control what others do and that can sometimes make us feel powerless especially if this is an important relationship to you and you are wanting deep connection and truth. But even if this isn't a serious relationship for you and you're just trying to hire someone to do some work for you, it hurts just the same. Just the same you can begin to feel powerless and like it's hard to find good help or like all people want from you is money. 

These thoughts and emotions come from deep seated wounds. It often did not start at the current incident. The real reason when someone new lies to you hurts so much is because it is reminding you of all the times important people in your life lied to you. All the times they said they would show up for you, but didn't. Those old emotions are still there in your solar plexus area and when new similar incidents happen it gets activated as a reminder of the pain that is already there. 

So what to do about this? It is time to feel the pain. So often we have shrugged all these incidences off or even begun to make ourselves think we don't really care and we are fine, but you know deep down that isn't true. You know deep down the little girl in you was hurt and still is hurt because it was never processed. So next time someone lies to your face and you feel that intense pain in your solar plexus, don't ignore it. Allow yourself to sit with it and feel it. As you do that it will move through you and you will process the pain and be able to move forward. 

If you would like help with this, I would love to help. Let's schedule a conversation so we can discuss how I may be able to help you. 

Love, 

​Sandy

These are common ways that people avoid their pain and they are so common in our culture that they don't even seem like that's what they are doing, but when something really bad has happened in your life and you feel hurt and you don't allow yourself to feel that hurt by telling yourself, "God doesn't give me more than I can handle" then you are avoiding your pain. This is important to bring awareness to because when we do this that pain ends up stuck in the body and manifests itself in different ways. The stuck energy can affect your health, your wealth, relationships, and your career. So even though it's hard to feel the pain it's important to allow that energy to move through you first so that you can make decisions from a good place rather than a hurt place because when you make decisions from a hurt space you greatly limit and underestimate yourself. When you make decisions from a good place, you make empowering decisions that continue to expand and grow your life in positive ways. 

If you think you have stuck energy due to not allowing yourself to feel your emotions, let's talk. Book your free 15 minute consultation now. 

Love and Light,

​Sandy